Unsurprisingly, this is not our first post on dick pics here at Cultist. Jane recently explored the topic in her post entitled “Dick Pics Are Gross Right?” (we like to leave a bit of mystery as to our opinions in our titles) and while I found the article thought-provoking and interesting (and was duly impressed by Jane’s various epithets for penis, mostly “pink python”), I can’t say that I agree with the sentiment. Yes, much like escargot or tossing salad, photos of cocks are not for everyone. I for one am a fan of the dick pic (#sorrydad), but like anything else, while they can be so good, they can also go horribly, horribly wrong. I won’t scar you with the details, but there are definitely some dick pics I wish I could unsee however they are burned into my brain like a bloody crime scene, never to be expelled from my poor, innocent (fine, not so innocent) mind.
So in the interest of increasing the volume of good penis portraits in the world and protecting the 15% of the female population who cherish a good cock shot, here is my guide to the art of taking a good dick pic.
1. Don’t take a shitty picture. It should be clear and sharp (if the shit is blurry we’re probably going to think you have something to hide, like open sores). Also, framing is important. You’re cute and all, but we do not want to see your face. Or your body, however “ripped” or “buff” you are. Your dick is the star of this movie, and we want no supporting actors (maybe your hand, but that’s the only exception, and your nails better be trimmed and clean or our vaginas are going to pack their bags and take a long soul-searching trip away from you).
2. This should go without saying, but nobody wants to see your flaccid, floppy penis. Look at some porn, think about Sasha Grey giving you a blow job in a gas station bathroom, jerk it a little while listening to ABBA, whatever you need to get your cock to stand up and salute, and then take the photo.
3. You can get creative, but don’t get too crazy. For example, the outline of an erection beneath your underwear can be super hot, but not if you’re wearing Elmo boxers or if there is dog hair on your underpants (I actually received a dick pic like this from a guy who will never, ever see me naked). Boxer briefs are ideal, and this is probably best left to the more endowed (if we have to ask “are you even hard?”, you did it wrong).
4. If we haven’t fucked you yet, don’t send photos of emerging cum. Too much, dude.
5. While it’s maybe easiest to take the photo with your phone, maybe try the camera on your laptop. Both your hands are free and the angle will always be better. You want to do your junk justice, don’t you?
There you go, five simple steps to taking a dick pic. Go forth and snap away.*
*But NEVER, EVER send an unsolicited penis photo. Eyeball rape does not get you laid.