Inspired by the 647 YouTube videos and Jane’s most recent post (I’m a copy-cat with no original ideas, so what sue me) I decided to write my own version. Not of shit I say (maybe one day I’ll bless you with all the deep thoughts that come out of my mouth, mostly aimed at my cats as I have no friends, but not today) but of shit a magnificent and unique creature I call Mom says. Here we go:
1. (Over the phone after 6 months of not seeing each other when I lived 3,000 miles away): You sound like you’ve gained weight.
2. Do you not own a lint roller?
3. Yes, just like that American Girl doll we bought you and you lost. (When I was nine).
4. Is that what you wore to work?
5. Do you need new tights or is that the style?
6. Wonderful, our daughter is an alcoholic (after I order a beer on a Friday night at dinner).
7. Other people get a son-in-law, we get THIS (after I left my vibrator in my sheets and brought my laundry to my parents’ house, my bad).
8. Gay people have to deal with enough. Why should they have to get married too?
9. You’re too skinny.
10. Did you gain weight?
11. Can you put my photos on my computer?
12. Have you gone to the dentist?
13. 85% of blah blah are blah blah (a fact that is never true).
14. Is he educated?
15. Does he have tattoos?
16. (A few glasses of wine in) Don’t ever let him know how you really feel.
17. (Wrinkled face of disgust) Did you cut your bangs again?
18. Is that rayon?
19. You should have a destination wedding! (I don’t have a boyfriend)
20. Adele is the best.
21. (After three missed calls from her while I’m in a meeting, this text:) HELLO?
22. (After I call her back) What do you want for dinner on Saturday night? (It’s Tuesday)
23. You don’t even WANT to get married, do you?