Jane Helpern

Jane Helpern

Writer & Over-sharer. @janeohelp jane@cultistzine.com
[CONFESSAY] The Devil Poops in Prada

[CONFESSAY] The Devil Poops in Prada

Everybody poops. Even long-legged women wearing Comme des Garçons and Prada and silver stilettos with square emoji blocks on them. This is something you learn early on, and must navigate with grace and poor taste jokes when you work in the fashion business, in an office that is staffed predominantly with women. Fact: women in...
[BEST SONG EVER] Charli XCX "Break The Rules"

[BEST SONG EVER] Charli XCX “Break The Rules”

  Before I dish on how much I love Charli XCX’s new track “Break The Rules,” let’s just agree to agree on how pathetic it is that I, a painfully (err gainfully) employed 28-year-old woman, feel a deep and meaningful connection to this rebellious anthem for back to school blues. Okay, now that we’ve established...
[TO DO] Nap Time at BOLD Room LA

[TO DO] Nap Time at BOLD Room LA

Let’s talk about bed, baby. This week, our sleepy friends over at BOLD Room LA are kicking off NAP TIME for your slumbering pleasure. Our favorite DTLA gallery will be tricked out with clean sheets, cloud-like, reclaimed wood beds from VVOODS and total zen vibes, because you deserve a freakin’ namastaycation. If you’re one of those...
[TO DO] iO Tillett Wright's "We Are You" Portrait & Pool Party

[TO DO] iO Tillett Wright’s “We Are You” Portrait & Pool Party

It’s hot, your vag (Ed Note: or penis, or whatever you are packing, we love all of our readers – all 13) is sweating, and you probably want to party with a cocktail in one hand and an animal-shaped pool floatie in another. Good news: this Sunday, June 13, you can do all that and...
[BEST AD EVER] Calvin Klein's CK One Ft. Petra Collins, Soko & More.

[BEST AD EVER] Calvin Klein’s CK One Ft. Petra Collins, Soko & More.

Do you think there will ever be a decade when Calvin Klein isn’t setting the gold standard for most sex drive inducing ad campaign ever? God, I hope not. With their latest promotional film for CK One, featuring an almost-naked Petra Collins, Dev Hynes, Soko, and just about every other free-lovin’ tumblr baby you’ve ever...
[BRA BURNING] Hey Ladies, Stuff Happened & You Should Care

[BRA BURNING] Hey Ladies, Stuff Happened & You Should Care

In case you missed it, Gisele goes basically bald for Balenciaga, and armpit hair is becoming a much-loathed trend. Read all about it in this week’s recap of things that happened in the world of women. 1. ‘ No Body Talk’ Summer Camps I recently wrote a piece calling out the potentially poisonous toxicity levels of...
[FOMO-GRAPHS] Fruitmilk at Bold Room LA

[FOMO-GRAPHS] Fruitmilk at Bold Room LA

Is it just me or is downtown LA just getting better and less terrifying every single day? I mean, yes, in some parts, the urine stench is so intense that you’re pretty sure your whole pH balance has been altered just by walking down an alleyway, but, at least you can walk down an alleyway...
[CONFESSAY] Is Girl Talk Toxic?

[CONFESSAY] Is Girl Talk Toxic?

  The other night, I was with a group of women at an Italian restaurant. One woman was on the second night of a three day cleanse, and two had “Already eaten a gigantic meal of Thai food. Why did I do that? I wish I hadn’t done that,” earlier in the evening. So that...
[FASHUN] Photographer Yumna Al-Arashi Makes Tevas Look Good

[FASHUN] Photographer Yumna Al-Arashi Makes Tevas Look Good

The hierarchy of socially acceptable comfort footwear is as follows: Fuzzy Celine slides > Birkenstocks > Tevas > Crocs. But after announcing their crunchy collaboration with Opening Ceremony (dropping May 23), Teva is making a major play for that #1 orthopedic-chic spot. What was once just reserved for Berkeley hippies, eccentric art teachers, and un-ironic...
[BRA BURNING] Apple Rejects Female Masturbation App

[BRA BURNING] Apple Rejects Female Masturbation App

I know it’s Monday and y’all are barely 3 sips into your morning coffee (unless you attended Yasi’s bday at Cha Cha last night, in which case you’re still deep in a whiskey and taco truck slumber), but it’s time to wake up and talk about Vagina. It’s recently been brought to my attention that...
[BEST VIDEO EVER] Sia "Chandelier"

[BEST VIDEO EVER] Sia “Chandelier”

For the last 8 years, I’ve been walking into bars, verifying my of-ageness with a tattered passport (it’s not that I’m that well-traveled, but more like the bottom of my purse looks like the aftermath of an earthquake’s epicenter) boasting a photo of a sportier me wearing an American Idol tee that I purchased for...
[LISTS] 13 Headlines That Summarize Why Almost Every Women's Lifestyle Site Can Suck It

[LISTS] 13 Headlines That Summarize Why Almost Every Women’s Lifestyle Site Can Suck It

These days, everyone’s a journalist. And what that really means is that nobody went to journalism school (including myself, hence this article and pretty much the entire contents of this website). It also means that every faux-gi (that’s faux yogi, for those of you not currently skinny dipping inside my vast and refreshing stream of...