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Tonight I took a break from my busy only-listening-to-Lorde-and-Taylor-Swift schedule to peruse some articles on the Internet. After I checked on all my favorite shoe and purse blogs and used Pinterest to update my “dream wedding” board, I somehow happened upon this article entitled “Why Are There So Many Cute Girls At Metal & Hardcore Concerts Now?” on MTV written by some guy named Ethan Fixell. After I finished reading the piece (it took me a while because like most girls, I was often distracted by gossip texts about boyz  on my blinged-out cell phone), I was immediately struck by a few questions. Who IS Ethan Fixell? Is he a hottie? And more importantly, is he for fucking real right now?

One thing is for sure, Ethan is a man who simply CANNOT wrap his brain around the fact that women may actively enjoy hardcore and metal music, since bands like Dying Fetus are “not exactly known for catering to female tastes.” This begs the question: what ARE our tastes exactly, Ethan? I always prefer to be told by a man what I like and what I don’t like so I’ll just defer to you on this one.

Ethan is also a man who KNOWS that part of the reason girls are coming to more of these shows as of late is because the events “aren’t as scary as they were 20 or even 10 years ago”, since girls have always been SO SCARED of mosh pits and aggressive music that they have long regularly avoided these sorts of shows.

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Ethan also knows that women have recently learned to use computers (for shopping mostly), and have been using the Internet to help us “demystify extreme music, making it more accessible and less intimidating.” Which makes sense, since girls have long been banned from entering record stores, purchasing zines, and otherwise learning about and engaging with musical cultures like men did before the Internet existed. THANK GAIA FOR THE WEB!!!

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Ethan is also a man who is very well-versed in metal himself, which is why I’m sure he TOTALLY knows that Marauder is a cheesy Greek metal band perhaps best known for their contribution of “Gimme More” to a 90s KISS tribute album, while Merauder is an iconic New York hardcore band who actually played CBGBs in 1992 in case you were wondering what year “whenever that was” refers to. Although since Ethan is a comedian, I’m sure this was all a big joke on lead singer Andreas Tsaoussis!

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Most importantly, Ethan is also a man who spends his entire article making sure we know the focus here is PRETTY girls. Because as we all know, attractive women have different taste in music than women deemed unattractive by men like Ethan and Jeff the bouncer at St. Vitus. In fact, including the title, the writer uses an appearance-describing adjective (like “cute” “hot” or “beautiful”) no less than seven times, undoubtedly to ensure that we know he is definitely not talking about those unfortunate uggos out there. The true MIRACLE here is that now there are pretty girls showing up to metal and hardcore shows, just in time to get their “side-boobs” ogled!

At the risk of having an actual opinion here Ethan (I wouldn’t want you to have to write another article exploring the thought-provoking question: “Since when do girls have opinions?”) may I offer for your consideration that perhaps one of the reasons that there are more women at hardcore and metal shows in recent years is that the number of men at these shows who view them solely as walking fuck dolls has diminished with evolution? Although there’s still you and John Jarvis from Pig Destroyer and of course, Jeff, so perhaps I’m wrong on this one.

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did u know they even let girls PLAY in hardcore bands now??? lolz

But in terms of how to pick up these unicorn hot girls at metal shows, since that seemed to be what you were getting at the whole time, here’s a tip: how about don’t be a sexist, idiotic douche?  Or even better, how about just fucking don’t, and let girls enjoy a show without fending off some moron who gets dating tips from an MTV blog called “Guy Code?”

I want to conclude this eloquently but my fashion reality TV programs are on so I will just leave it at this: how about you go fuck yourself? OMG LOLZ SHOES!

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Also just in case none of what I said registered because vagina, here is a quote from Kerry McCoy from Deafheaven (whose album Sunbather was crowned Rolling Stone’s #1 metal album of 2013):

“As long as I have been going to shows, there have been women there. This isn’t a new thing, it hasn’t been a new thing since metal has existed. My “cute girl” girlfriend has liked Autopsy since she was 16. What rock do you fucking morons live under? Please return to it.”

k thx baiiiii!!!!

 

 

 

 

Yasi Salek

About Yasi Salek

likes parentheses.