Fine. I’ll admit it Yasi. I’m a little weirdly obsessed with the impending doom of the Zombie Apocalypse (Ed Note: as evidenced by the fact that you capitalized the event name like it’s a holiday). I don’t know about y’all, but I actually think that zombies are real and they scare the shit out of me. Did you hear about that dude that stabbed himself in the guts and then threw chunks of his own body at the police? Or the mom who tried to kill and eat part of her own 3 week old baby? Clown on me all you want, but I plan on being motherfucking prepared for when that shitty zombie day comes.
So when I showed my How To Dress Like A Zombie piece to my asshole friend Mike Bogart, he pretty much convinced me that there will be no government base to escape to once the gross southern Florida zombies take over the country (hick zombies: the worst). Fuck you 28 Days Later for getting my hopes up on that one. Fuck you very much (I REALLY need to stop obsessively watching it).
As much as I loathe Bogie, he’s probably right. So here’s my new step-by-step guide to surviving the apocalypse in style:
1. Dress in Zombie camouflage gear.
2. Steal a car.
As much as I know I should totally steal a Prius or some other hybrid thingamajig so that I have to stop at less zombie-laden gas stations, fuck it. I might die soon. This might be my last chance to ever live out my dreams and ghost ride and/or Teen Wolf a Busta-Rhymes-Green Lamborghini.
3. Go to the nearest Walmart
Road trip!!! Don’t forget to blast the Undead Disco playlist as you escape the city and make your way to the nearest Walmart Supercenter. Try to do some research first and find one that has a firearms/ammunition department. You don’t want to have to stab a zombie and get weird zombie guts all over your brand new zebra print Snuggie that you just picked up in aisle 7.
4. Live in / Protect the Walmart
So I know that Walmart is all like evil and corporate or whatever, but fuck. Man kind is about to be a thing of the past. You gotta let shit go. No one judged Natalie Portman for birthing her child in the WM in Where The Heart Is, and the human race was totally still intact at that point. Besides, you guys don’t judge me cause we’re in the trust tree, right? Ok good. So have you ever been to a Walmart? They have every god damned thing that you could possibly ever imagine. I can buy some dope ghetto gold, an ATV, a pink double barrel shot gun, a family sized bag of Coconut m&m’s AND get my nails did all at the same place? All at new low-low prices? I’m sorry my dudes. That’s fucking genius. And once I’m there I ain’t letting no type of undead fucktards mess with my new palace (or you know, kill me). I am going to build the illest fort in the history of forts, out of like bunk beds, tents, camouflage netting and My Little Pony sleeping bags (I REALLY hope Instagram still exists during the apocalypse). Here’s a little taste of what I’m gonna pick up in my first 20 minutes at my new Supercenter home.
5. Buddy System / Death Pact
Boos. This might be the most important part of the plan (besides Teen Wolfing). The buddy system works. I really don’t want to be eating faces and brains and shit, even if I won’t know I’m doing it, it’s still hella gross. Plus what if I kill someone awesome? Once I get to hell I will feel TOTALLY bad about it. So me and Bogie have made a death pact. If one of us becomes a flesh-eater, the other one is going to have to grow some balls and kill the zombie homie. I’m not gonna lie, I’m kinda psyched to shoot Bogie (JK boo!!!).
What will I be doing in the slim-to-none chance that there is no Zombie Apocalypse you ask? Zombie Pranks. Duh.