As other ladies (and sure, some sort of misguided dudes) with bangs know, there’s usually a blissful two week window (starting ten days after your last cut) where those bad boys look perfect. Then they start getting shaggy and puffy and all up in your eyeballs until finally one day you can’t take it anymore and you drag your Muppet head to the salon for a trim. Last night was such a night, so I visited my favorite local barbershop (it’s not a salon because salons don’t offer $6 bang trims, I am the little known cheapy-cheap Muppet) Floyd’s on Melrose Ave. I was (not) greeted by a sulky army-jacket clad girl with long dirty blonde hair and a phone hanging from her ear. I stood patiently near the reception desk just kind of hanging out waiting for her to be done. Not a hint of annoyance made its way across my face, even. All of a sudden, angstarella noticed me, sneered, and practically spit: “Yeah?? What do you NEED?”
Hmmm. What could I possibly need? As I stand here before you, in your barbershop, surrounded by barber chairs and scissors and various gels and mousses, what could it be that I might want? It is a tough thing to discern, I know. Here is a list of things that, in her limited capacity, she might have assumed I needed from her (other than perhaps A FUCKING HAIRCUT):
1. To borrow a cup of sugar for a cake I am baking.
2. Her thoughts on existentialism.
3. A life-line for my upcoming appearance on ABC’s ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’
4. A kidney.
5. A hiking partner.
6. Some Lexipro.
7. A root canal.
8. Someone to explain String Theory to me.
9. A VHS copy of 1990’s smash hit Bird On A Wire
10. A hug.