Hi, it’s me again, with your Monday dose of Vagina (trademark pending). I don’t have a Bikini Waxer. And thanks to Cosmo’s fine detective work, now I know why. Because those selfish hair-yankers are keeping all the “brilliant ouch!-reducing strategies” from those of you who do. (Also, because I’m lazy/cheap/would rather spend all my money making my head hair blonde). Seriously, TGFC (thank god for Cosmo). Without them, I never would have thought to pop Advil for pain. Well, take that, nonexistent Bikini Waxer, here are five things your clients aren’t saying to you:

1) I had sex with two different guys last night.

2) I didn’t shower before I came in, but don’t worry, I used baby wipes.

3) I hope this hot wax doesn’t make my infection worse

4) I found a new waxer on Groupon.

5) I’m so high on Vicodin right now.

Jane Helpern

About Jane Helpern

Writer & Over-sharer. @janeohelp jane@cultistzine.com