On Wednesday night at around 8pm I found out that Tim Tebow had been traded to the New York Jets. The news broke just after noon, but I found out eight hours later when I looked at my phone and saw that someone had tweeted an Instagram photo of a screencap they took of a meme of Tebow in a Jets uniform, which automatically posted to their Facebook wall, thus completing the UNNNNGHHHH. That’s just how things are now. We get bastardized bastardizations of news stories and death notices from commentary like “_____SUCKS!” or “#PRAY4_____” or “RIP _____” on our social feeds.
The point is, I found out the day’s second largest news story at 8 o’clock at night when the rest of the world had heard about it by lunchtime. This is particularly shameful because I pride myself on being a quantum aggregator of everything from the day’s global headlines to the best meme of the day on Buzzfeed. The only time I’m NOT online is when I’m sleeping, eating, taking a shower, or making rad babies with a dudefish. Since eight human hours is equivalent to 40,000 Internet years, I’m of the belief that posting something the next day is useless. Except for today! Today I have posted old and outdated tidbits I discovered in the hopes that you haven’t seen any of this yet.
- Just as every little girl dreams of having a pony, every little boy wishes for a big dick.
- Can’t stop watching this Origami Rhino collapsing.
- “Hey honey it’s Springtime I think we should take a vacation.” “Where to?” “The Island of the Dolls, where dead babies will weave your nightmares.”
- You know that thing where nature’s elegance creates ubiquitous mathematical patterns like fractals that appear in clouds, plants, galaxies, shells and more? Look at what tiny grains of sand actually look like and then let’s shroom in the needle-laden sands of Venice beach and ponder our tiny existence.
- When you do something terrible, it’s your responsibility to own up to it and apologize. You know, when you do things like “break the ninja code by falling in love.” This beautifully produced guide on how to bow in the Japanese tradition shows you how to make amends the proper way. ** Spoiler alert: hold out for the slowly disappearing head at the end.