Jane Helpern

Jane Helpern


Writer & Over-sharer. @janeohelp jane@cultistzine.com

I know every woman in a relationship has experienced that awkward situation where you suspect someone is flirting with you, but you aren’t 100% sure, and you don’t want to come off as that presumptuous, territorial, alcoholic girl defensively guarding an empty bar while spreading your sweater and purse and chapstick out on three separate chairs in order to blockade the whole row of seating while declaring, “No you can’t sit on this perfectly good bar stool, because I have a boyfriend!!!” (who is nowhere to be seen and wouldn’t give two shits if he walked in to find a man sitting next to you, because unlike you, he’s a mature adult man and not a psycho attention whore). There’s nothing more capable of causing me to cringe faster than the moment when maybe-flirting guy’s girlfriend struts into the bar all towering-amazon-supermodel-bitchface-goddess and gazes seven feet down to look upon my excuse for a face like the tomboy troll that I am, and I realize maybe-flirting guy is just a normal, nice guy trying to make friendly conversation while he waits for his leggy dime piece of a lady to show up. In that moment, you really just have no other choice but to sit with your half-finished drink and your tall glass of shame and your cell phone until an appropriate length of time passes before you can make your exit look inconspicuous and natural, like you were leaving anyway.

Or, have you ever met a guy who says he has a girlfriend, but seems way more interested in you than this alleged girlfriend, as is evidenced by the frequency with which he compliments you on your pretty hair and what nice-sized feet you have, because being that observant can mean only two things: that he wants to bang you or that he’s gay. Still, though, you continue to give him the benefit of the doubt, because you want to believe so much that it’s possible to have platonic male friendships, and you finally met this elusive girlfriend at the concert you all attended on a big group date the night before and she seemed perfectly nice and pretty (in a mousy way) and most of all not like a made-up person he was just using as leverage to seem non-threatening and to get closer to you. But then the next day he hits you up on gchat with a link to an expensive dress he bought as a present for his “girlfriend” and remarks how sexy it would look on you because of your nice neck and clavicles and prominent shoulders and…just creepy!

Am I the only person that has terrible luck making friends of the opposite sex? Am I the only person who has to constantly put my (perfectly-sized) foot down, causing me to appear self-obsessed and like I think everyone wants to fuck me? I’m seriously curious, people. How do you girls in relationships manage to have guy friends who don’t want to sleep with you? Or is this just a thing that I am supposed to accept? What’s the deal with men making inappropriate sexual innuendos and then claiming to have no ill-intent or like I’m the one horribly misreading the situation? Telling me that you like the way I apply my lip gloss is not not-appropriate, gentleman. Ladies, do you feel me? Or um is it just me? Am I just a delusional egomaniac? Tell the truth but go easy.

NEXT UP: [TRUE STORY] Help Me I Don’t Know How To Make Female Friends

Jane Helpern

About Jane Helpern

Writer & Over-sharer. @janeohelp jane@cultistzine.com