If you haven’t seen Lana Del Rey‘s new video for “Ride,” I suggest you lock yourself in a private place with a laptop and a box of tissues (these are multi-purpose tissues for our male readers) and brace yourself for the roller coaster of emotion and adrenaline that is the next ten minutes of your life (a life which you will inevitably come to loathe after watching this video). Yes, this beautiful short film is a whole ten minutes, and it’s perfect (and maybe ten minutes too short).

First, I just want to thank Lana personally, from the bottom of my heart, for making this video, and throwing an industrial sized bucket of salt straight into the oozing, open wound that is my dreary corporate existence. I’m seriously still trying to figure out how you manage to make a prostitute’s life look so alluring and innocent, and somehow like a desirable alternative to sitting in my glorified cubicle in El Segundo snacking on carrots and hummus. And let’s talk about that hot biker dude who whisks you off on the back of his bike; that long-haired John you wrap your legs tightly around and fall in love with and bang against a pinball machine and then he sweeps your hair to the side, exposing your neck and kissing you gently, because he’s a wild man with a tender edge who smells of booze, body odor, and America.

ANYWAY, this video is like Natural Born Killers meets True Romance meets Sons of Anarchy meets Pretty Woman, minus all the murder and judgmental shop girls and Richard Gere. It makes me want to take my bra off (it’s already off), throw away my Starbucks, and ride into the sunset with a burly bearded guy then break a bottle of whiskey over someone’s head in a bar fight that ends in bear hugs and shots. In the name of time-saving, I’ve chosen not to mention the nonsensical, rambling dialogue that Lady Lada spouts during the video, because frankly I’m not listening: I’m too busy watching her play wrestle with whiskey-drunk biker-lovers with beer guts somewhere in the desert, a world away from expense reports and budgets.

Somehow I doubt you’ll be listening either. Find out for yourself below.

Jane Helpern

About Jane Helpern

Writer & Over-sharer. @janeohelp jane@cultistzine.com