Welcome back to Ask Some Guy. Today’s “expert” is not a guy, it’s actually a girl, in fact it’s Jane! When Jane isn’t talking about herself she’s writing as if she’s someone else and talking about herself (like right now) and also answering pressing personal questions for other people because she’s a selfless individual. If you’re wondering about her qualifications, they are just that she’s in love with someone who happens to love her back and also she had a foursome once. Here are her answers to your burning questions.

My roommate has a fuck buddy whom she texts constantly and talks about non-stop, she says she’s not attached, but her actions indicate otherwise. Is there any hope for a positive outcome from this? How can I help her avoid a mega meltdown when this goes south?

Unfortunately, your roommate is going to do what she wants to do, despite whether or not it’s best for her in the long run. Unlike you, she’s too deep into this text-fling to have proper foresight or logic. Women (and men, but in this instance we are talking about women) often convince themselves that they aren’t attached in order to appear more carefree, low-maintenance, and thus more desirable to the object of their affections, especially if said object has expressed that he is unattached, only looking for casual sex, and/or only partially available. My advice to you: tell her once, clearly, and only once, how you see the situation, and that you want whats best for her. She probably won’t listen to you and will most likely be a wreck when he inevitably says that it’s getting too intense, but she has to figure that out for herself. If you try and stop her, she will only make you out to be the bad guy who “doesn’t want her to be happy” and is “always trying to ruin the good things in her life.” Be there to pick up the pieces, like a good friend is often stuck doing, and keep all the ‘”I told you so” to yourself.

How do I tell my fiancé that I think it’s time we start waxing his ass without hurting his feelings?

When you say “we” do you mean that you two lovers are going do a DIY ass wax at home together? Personally, that sounds kind of kinky and experimental and totally appeals to my weird “I want my boyfriend to shave me” fetish. But that’s neither here nor there.  Back to you and your hairy situation. I happen to like a mangrove, yes, even on the buttocks. But, if it’s not your cup of tea, I suggest you just tell him, “Babe, I think it would be really hot if you let me play with your ass. But I think we should wax it first.” If you don’t want to play with his smooth baby bottom, how about this approach? “Babe, your butt hair situation is getting awfully unruly, I love you and all, but what do you think about a little trim?” If you think that’s still too subtle, a little ultimatum might do the trick. “Hey babe, do you want me to grow a giant 70’s muff? No? Ok, then why don’t you take care of the one that’s starting to grow out of your ass?” Hopefully this helps!

 My boyfriend and I don’t have sex every single time we’re together. Is that bad? Is it bad that I fear that’s bad?

No and no. If you’re seeing your guy a healthy amount, and if the two of you have real world interests and actual things in common besides a mutual enjoyment of humping, then it is to be expected that the two of you will sometimes be too tired, or too busy doing things like eating, talking, seeing movies, traveling, and living awesome lives to always be screwing. In regards to your second question, I actually think it’s healthy that you “fear that it’s bad” that you don’t have sex every time you see one another. A vigorous, diverse, open, exploratory sex life is key to a happy relationship. If he wants a blowjob, I suggest you give it to him. If you want to get off, he sure as hell better make it happen for you. But if both of are in the mood to pass up knockin’ boots, by all means please do (but don’t make a habit out of it).

Jane Helpern

About Jane Helpern

Writer & Over-sharer. @janeohelp jane@cultistzine.com