Yesterday was a day for research. While Yasi spent all day investigating Sea Punks (seapunks?) I was pondering wet dreams (see below for google image search results for this term), trolling Facebook chat and wandering around my office looking for people who’d offer up insight about their self-pleasuring sex minds for the sake of our erotic educations and maybe some new kinky-time inspirations. While a few self-respecting prudes refused me, and three people almost slapped me, for the most part I was pleasantly surprised by how many proud perverts responded quite openly and eloquently about what they think about while alone at night quivering beneath the sheets (how uncomfortable did my use of the word “quivering” make you feel? Admit you kind of liked it.)(Ed Note: Did not like).

So, to those of you who’ve ever worried that you’re a damaged weirdo or just a sick twisted fuck, to that I say do not fret about your filthy mind. We’re all god’s beautiful creatures experiencing completely normal and natural urges. On that note, here’s a selection of spank bank fantasies, or a little thing that I like to call “Cream Dreams,” or as Yasi prefers, “What we see before we go blind.”

(PS what do you think Seapunks masturbate to? The Little Mermaid? And while we’re on the subject of sea, bon voyeur-age!)

(Also, this is what google finds when you image search “Wet Dream”)


Kaeleen/female/mostly hetero/artist

Sweaty, post-work, blue collar version of Jon Hamm picks me up at a gas station while I’m flipping through magazines and asks for directions to a local motel.  i walk him to the corner and point to one down the street and he asks if i want to watch TV and drink beer with him.  i eat a firecracker popsicle on the walk to the motel and he stares at my bra-less chest as it bounces.  As soon as we enter the room he pushes me up against the wall before I can get my shoes off.  He pulls my shorts down and fucks me with my face smashed in the wall and leaves the rest of my clothes on.  the windows are open and another guy in a mud splattered truck watches from the parking lot. OR any black guy fucking me and repeating that my pink nipples are so fucking sexy.


All of my ex girlfriends in the same bed.

Masturbation fantasies are very different for me than intercourse fantasies. For me, masturbation is very personal and narcissistic. I’m really getting off on the idea of “getting off” with myself and the perversion attached.

Yasi/Female/80% straight/writer

I have the same three recurring scenarios. One takes place in the bathroom of a dive bar, on the sink. There’s a line of people outside, and they’re beating on the door. Clothes stay on, panties pushed aside etc. The other is in a car (preferably a large truck or SUV) on the side of the 101 fwy (but you know, the pretty part by the ocean not like Reseda). The third is being tied up, the rest of the details vary though (Sometimes it’s rape, sometimes it’s not, I’m flexible, both figuratively and literally, etc). I’m a three trick pony I guess.

Alec/ male/straight/creative director, consultant

It’s always an oral thing. You could call it a blow job but it’s not really. It’s pretty aggressive, which is out of character for me, but it always goes there. It’s never not consensual, in fact it’s always requested. There’s no specific setting per se, but I have more than once thought about some random job related location. It’s probably based on a real life thing that happened and ended terribly, thus I am not attempting to relive or remember this person or our time together. There’s a lot of eye contact and talking about how it feels, although it’s difficult to talk when there’s a dick in your mouth. I remain fairly silent. I do not cum.


Sofia Vergara

Jane/ female/bisexual/”writer”

My boyfriend wearing ass-less chaps and cowboy boots, or big breasted blonde “bimbos” going down on one another or any scenario involving me saying, “Oh no, have I soiled my panties?” There is also some pregnant woman fetishizing and fantasizing about my boyfriend shaving me.

Jacob/male/straight/Internet (Ed note: Internet is not a profession)

Fucking a jogger with her dirty panties in her mouth.


Nikki Silva’s tits in the sixth grade, still remember those tits… damn

Scotty Ill/male/straight/wholesale director 

I watch porn. I need visual stimulation.


Jane Helpern

About Jane Helpern

Writer & Over-sharer. @janeohelp