While trolling Cosmo today (like any good feminist sex columnist in need of material to satirize often does), the following headline caught my eye: We Crave This More than Good Sex. Ah, yes, I thought, finally the Holy Grail. Here within the (online) pages of Cosmo lies the secret to what women really want. I thought I wanted that tuna melt for lunch, and that promotion and those Prada Sunglasses, but not as much as I want what Cosmo is about to tell me I want! I clicked the link with great anticipation, only to recoil at the sight of their sad and desolate answer: Facebook. Really ladies? Facebook’s got you all hot to trot? I guess some people do use the “poking” feature after all…

Oh Cosmo, you never cease to offend and amaze with your oversimplification of women. So in defense of erotically-inclined females everywhere and those heroes who know how to please us, I’ll just come out and say it: I prefer having orgasms to having lots of virtual friends. Honestly, there’s really nothing I crave more than good sex with my man (as long as we’re including oral), but sometimes, just sometimes, a really expensive cheese does come in a close second.

In Cosmo’s defense, I am paraphrasing quite a bit (but still). Here are a few responses (that I’ve made up based on my assessment of Cosmo’s demographic) that didn’t make the list:

  1. A tour of the set and a meet and greet with the cast of Gray’s Anatomy (which would obviously not involve sex)
  2. Teeth whitening services
  3. Pilox-toxing (that’s a fusion of pilates/kickboxing/botox)
  4. A $1,000-shopping spree to Bebe
  5. Equal pay for equal labor (kidding!)
  6. To have hours of meaningful conversations about feelings
  7. To understand what your man really wants in the bedroom
But seriously, ladies. I’m interested to know. Do you get horny? Do you actively crave sex? Or is your inbox more important than your own box? (Trying out this whole asking other people their opinions thing).


Jane Helpern

About Jane Helpern

Writer & Over-sharer. @janeohelp jane@cultistzine.com