Dear Chongalicious Girls,
I miss you. My gay boyfriend, Martin, misses you. In fact, I’m pretty sure all of South Florida misses you. Why have you abandoned us?
It’s been almost six years since you gifted the world with your presence. Who knew a homemade video spoofing “Fergalicious” while simultaneously celebrating the idiosyncratic lifestyle of the chonga would bring so much joy to the hearts of people everywhere? As a little redheaded Jewish girl growing up in Florida, I wanted so badly to be like the majority of my classmates: gluing down my bangs with Elmer’s glue, penciling my lips with a fine-tip Sharpie, cussing with a Spanish accent. Even the idea oF tYpiNg LiKe DiS oN AiM seemed like the coolest thing EVER.
So, when you magically posted your video on YouTube on that fateful April morning, I was enthralled. My memories of 6th grade muffin tops, fake gold chains, and bad reggaeton were reawakened, and it was glorious! I showed your video to all of my college friends in Boston and would proudly scream “THIS WAS MY LIFE IN FLORIDA.” My gay boyfriend, Martin, especially liked it, and it made us even gayer for each other.
But then, after getting massive airplay on the coolest Dade County radio stations, making club appearances at Mansion and being interviewed by Pitbull on Mun2, you did the worst thing imaginable: YOU SPLIT UP. Yea, it was amicable or whatever, and yea, I guess going to college is important, but why couldn’t you have BOTH gone to the SAME college and continued making AMAZING chongalicious videos for ME?! It just doesn’t make sense. You had such a good thing going! You could’ve been great! Why, Chongalicious Girls, oh why have you forsaken me?!
Missing you fondly,
Ur #1 ChOnGa StAn,