Dory

Dory


WHITE CHOCOLATE DRIZZLE: In the end… I’m well worth the guilt! For your health: @DoryWCD

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Okay, before you even continue reading, just stop and watch the interview first. Please. It is so glorious, and will absolutely make everything else below worth your time.

Watched it? Great. If you were like me, after only watching it once all the way through, I just had way too many questions that I needed answering. And since I was not about to hit up the minors nor the clowns, i had to answer them for myself.

1) Why ICP???

Seriously, why? How do these little whitebread tweens from Columbus, Ohio even know that the INSANE CLOWN POSSE even exists? Whether we like it or not, everybody has their own unique connection with ICP. Cultist’s #1 lady, Yasi, has the hands-down best connection with ICP, and I love her madly for it. But how did these relatively adorable 14-year-old millennials end up in a room with Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope?

I’m thinking that they either have an older brother/cousin/weird uncle who is a juggalo, or one of them has a crush on a boy at school who listens to them. Because if it isn’t one of these two options, and these girls are actually true fans…I weep for our youth.

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2) Who set this whole thing up?

It’s not easy setting up an in-person interview nowadays. So many time and recording constraints. And just getting the artist and their representation to agree/answer you back is a feat in of itself. How did Connie and Olivia finagle this juggalo bagel? (Ew ew ew stop thinking of juggalo-flavored bagels, stop it).

Mom or dad might know someone in the industry, and pulled some strings. Or maybe mom or dad just reached out to ICP on behalf of Kids Interview Bands. But there’s no way the girls did it themselves. There just isn’t.

3) Did the girls obsess about what they were going to wear to the interview?

I always do. Not so much because I want to impress the interviewee, but because I don’t want be documented looking like crap on video for the internet to see for all eternity. Judging by their conservative fleece and natural, acne-free faces (it’s coming for you, ladies, JUST YOU WAIT), it looks like Connie and Olivia didn’t really give any fucks about what they looked like. But I mean, anybody looks sharp and put-together when they’re sitting next to two people with gross facepaint and man tits.

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4) Are these girls BFFs, or do they just share the same interest in interviewing bandz?

Connie and Olivia are smiling pretty sincerely in the Kids Interviewing Bands photo. And I’m not about to go down the creepy rabbit hole of exploring their social media interactions for clues. Let’s just say they are indeed BFFs, and that they’ll probably discover different interests come freshman year of high school, and then drift apart slightly. But they’ll always have Kids Interviewing Bands.

5) How many drinks did Violent J have sloshing around in him before the interview even started?

At least five. Two probably contained Jager and/or cognac-flavored vodka. (Shaggy 2 Dope is sober). [Ed Note: Obviously he had a Jaygo (Jager with Faygo)]

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6) The very first question is “What food can you eat your body weight in?” Were they just throwing shade at these clearly unhealthy-looking middle-aged men?

Girls at 14 can be BRUTAL to each other, but I’m not so sure they were really trying to read anyone here. I think girls at that age can still get away with eating a ton of food without gaining an ounce, so they might even see it as a recreational hobby. Regardless, J def looked a little crestfallen when he had to remember that he weighed a lot.

7) How did these girls remain SO STOIC throughout this entire interview?

There was hardly any reaction from these lil’ ladies after ICP gave them mostly ridiculous answers. They barely even blinked. Was it nerves?

Yes, it was nerves. I’m sure they will also have strange yet realistic clown-themed nightmares for the next 2-3 months.

8) Who was performing reenacting the Manson murders in the background?

I was trying SO hard to not visit the ICP website while writing this, but had to find out who was making that garbage music on stage while the girls were trying to conduct a classy-ass interview backstage. Apparently, they filmed it at the after party for Juggalo Day (yea, THE Juggalo Day), and two bands performed there: Boondox and Anybody Killa. So, send your complaints and hate mail to one or both of those bands for ruining the audio quality of this interview.

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9) “Rollercoasters: love em or hate em?” WHAT EVEN???

God, I wish I had the balls to deliver questions like that. How does a 14-year-old girl channel a sleazy agent-type guy trying to make friends at a dog race track? I’m not even really concerned with ICP’s answers, because OF COURSE these guys love rollercoasters. Have you been to a Six Flags lately? It’s basically a lowkey juggalo convention on the regular. The fact that Violent J is apparently “too big to ride rollercoasters” is fantastic irony.

10) At 3:41, it’s revealed that Violent J’s son, JJ, has been in the room THE WHOLE TIME. WHAT???

That’s an entirely new can of worms that just opened up. Remember when you were in the the throngs of puberty, and being within a yard of the opposite sex was the most nerve-racking series of hormone explosions you had ever experienced? The kid has multicolored hair, no braces, and is the son of, what Connie and Olivia perceive to be, a rap god. And he gets to go to all his dad’s shows. That makes him a pretty great catch at 14.

And then, GASP, they smiled at each other!!!! Joy of joys! Did they set up a playdate afterward? Did they friend each other on Facebook Snapchat? Will they K.I.T. 4LYF??

I’d like to think so.

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11) The question the girls asked about packing or buying school lunch got a little heavy when ICP explained that their families couldn’t afford to do either. Did they feel awkward or a little guilty afterward?

If your parents can afford buy a nice video camera (and braces), chances are you don’t really understand what poverty is. Connie and Olivia probably know the definition of the word, and have seen commercials or shows about poor people, but actually experiencing poverty is something these girls just can’t relate to. I’m sure they felt bad for Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, but they seemed to handle it in stride.

12) How in the fuck did they decide to close with Spice Girls trivia?!?!?!

Ok, first of all, Spice Girls was MY generation. Their prime lasted until circa 2000 at the latest. I mean, I know I still listen to Alanis and Boyz II Men every now and again, but Connie and Olivia were mere ideas of fetuses during the “Girl Power!” takeover. Why would they even ask about a girl group that isn’t really that relevant anymore (please don’t kill me I know that’s blasphemous but you know I’m right I still love them too). And then Connie and Olivia even admitted to not even liking or listening to the Spice Girls? That’s bizarre to me.

Secondly, what were they trying to get out of ICP with this question? Were they trying to relate to them on some level? Were they just testing to see if they knew the fundamentals of what really matters in life (i.e. all members of the Spice Girls, their discography, knowing Spice World word-for-word)? Were they straight up trolling ICP because they know the guys are soft as fuck? Were they trying to ask ICP if they knew any of the Spice Girls in a roundabout way?

I’m kind of leaning towards the last option. Not really convinced they did all their homework on the Insane Clown Posse, because then they would know that a) there’s no way in hell they would ever be seen with each other (PROVE ME WRONG, UNIVERSE, I DARE YOU), and b) ICP is no where near as famous as the Spice Girls. But I think that Connie and Olivia just wanted to put it out there, just to see if one of them would be like “Oh yea, Mel B is great, she makes great mac & cheese.”

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13) Did Connie and Olivia stay and watch the show?

God I hope not. It was an all-ages show, and maybe they got to have a mini playdate with JJ backstage. However, I sincerely hope the real adults supervising that interview quickly whisked the two girls away from getting exposed to juggalo B.O., a floor absolutely soaked in beer, blood, and barf, and certain inner-ear damage from a shitty sound system blasting shitty music.

Once I got over my initial shock and regurgitated my racing thoughts into what you just read, I explored the Kids Interview Bands videos on YouTube.

Um…. HOLY SHIT.

Pixies, Slayer, Sleigh Bells, Devotchka, The Polyphonic Spree, Ellie Goulding, Dragonette, GARBAGE! SHIRLEY FUCKING MANSON!, Tegan and Sara, Keane, Matt & Kim, The Wombats. And that’s just the ones with artists I care about. Their very first interview was with Imagine Dragons — say what you will about their music, but even a year ago, they were already certified platinum with Night Visions.

That’s unreal. Mom or dad almost definitely has the hook up.

Binge on all the Kids Interview Bands videos like I will be doing for the next couple of hours HERE. And then thank the universe that this exists.

Dory

About Dory

WHITE CHOCOLATE DRIZZLE: In the end… I’m well worth the guilt! For your health: @DoryWCD