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I have been on Tinder for 3 weeks.

I have been turned down 0 times (because I am a babe, you dingus!)

I have matched with 129 people.

I am currently messaging with 71 of them.

I have been texting with 3.

I actually think I have a crush on 1.

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I should start by saying that I’ve actually never been on a “Tinder date.” Sure, I’ve been asked out several times. I’ve even said yes twice, had elaborate dates planned, and canceled hours before. “Migraines,” AMIRIGHT?!  So if I’m not actually looking to meet anyone, and I’m certainly not looking for sex, what am I even doing on a dating site? Excuse me, dating app.

First, I really love social media. My adult onset acne has led to a lot of lonely nights at home, doing Instagram “deep stalks,” constant Facebook updates, and direct messaging of comedians with beards on Twitter. I thought three social media platforms was more than enough, but I started suffering from major FOMO that I was missing out on this Tinder trend. I, too, wanted carpal tunnel due to constant swiping.

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So, one night, I was at my friend Rachel’s house getting blackout drunk on red wine for no real reason, when I noticed she hadn’t paid attention to me for a good fifteen minutes. Was my incessant talking about myself finally boring her? Was she texting a boy? Playing Candy Crush?

Being the painfully insecure person I am, I asked her, “Rach, do you want me to go?”

“Oh my god! No!  Sorry, I was swiping!  How do you even pronounce this guy’s name?  Iz-ahhh-ee-us?  Iz-A-ree-us?  Isarius?  Swiping left.”

And that is when I fell down the rabbit hole. Deep. I immediately downloaded Tinder to my phone, tried to find pictures where I looked skinny, pretty, and interesting all at the same time, and started swiping. We sat in silence judging boys for a good hour straight, only looking up to show one another a picture of a cute guy or laugh when we found out we were messaging with the same person. It wasn’t just the talking to guys that made it so fun—more importantly, we were bonding. It brought talking about boys to a whole new level.

Throughout the day, my girlfriends and I will text each other screenshots of guys we find cute/scary/interesting from Tinder. Like the guy I found yesterday who was standing in front of an open casket at a funeral (swipe left). Sure, that’s probably not how Tinder is intended. But we have turned a sex app (if that’s even what it is) into a way to get closer to one another.  And I’d prefer that to some dumb boy who probably has cooties (HPV) any day of the week.

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“But then why do you give your number out, Alison?” First off, chill out. When you call me Alison I can tell you are mad/judgmental. Let’s stick with Ali. Honestly, you get a serious rush when you match with a boy.  It’s instant validation. Of what? Who knows. That a complete stranger agrees that you look pretty in a picture you deliberately put up of yourself… because you thought you looked pretty? I guess. Regardless, it’s an immediate boost to the ego.  And just like how talking to cute boys in bars is fun, chatting with them on your phone is fun too. Who doesn’t like to flirt? Not to mention there are lots of Dlisters on Tinder, like that asshole Jax from Vanderpump Rules (we matched #humblebrag) and the awkward blonde bro from the fake MTV band 2gether (I swiped left).

On a more serious level, I downloaded Tinder because I’m secretly hopeful. I do it because some of the guys actually seem cool. I do it because I’m a sucker for a funny guy with a beard.  I do, however, have a formula for which guys I pursue, and which I don’t.

Say no to: serial killer face, yoga pose, creeps who are looking off into the distance on top of a mountain, guys who have pictures with pretty girls in an attempt to show stature, dudes holding alcohol, modeling pictures, and the “glasses on in every photo” move (you know he cross-eyed when….)

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So, you have the first step down.  You’ve swiped.  Let’s say you match. Now it’s time to message. DO YOU HAVE BUTTERFLIES!?!?!? I DO!!!!!

I am currently messaging with 71 people. What works and what doesn’t?

I’ve learned that if a guy contacts you late at night, he’s just looking for sex. If his first question is “where do you live?” he, also, is just looking for sex. If a guy calls you “cutie” or “beautiful”—pass.  Too many emoticons…next. If the first thing he does is ask for your number, move on. These guys just want to take you to pound town.  (Disclaimer: pound town means they want to have sex with you. I know this from an awful guy I dated who referred to sex as “pound town.”  2010 was a bad year for me guys!)

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Things I am into?  Guys who make specific comments about your profile. I listed my twitter account on mine, and I typically responded more to the gents who put in the effort to read it. I assumed they weren’t perverts with fetish dungeons in their houses. Sex perverts don’t know how to read! I was also into the guys who didn’t take themselves seriously, who didn’t try to flirt obnoxiously, and who cracked a few jokes. The ones who didn’t try too hard are the ones who get the farthest…with me at least.

So, I am officially hooked on Tinder. It’s great for bonding with friends, great for your ego, and you never know, you might just meet someone you actually spark with.

Oh, and if you see me—swipe right.

For more dating horror stories that will make you cringe, even from the safe distance of your laptop, visit earthwindandunhired.com or follow Alison on twitter at OnlineAlison