Jane Helpern

Jane Helpern


Writer & Over-sharer. @janeohelp jane@cultistzine.com

Screen Shot 2013-10-08 at 12.23.55 AMOne day, Cosmo is going post a listing on Mediabistro calling for a cynical and clever sex writer with a penchant for the casual misuse of who and whom and a heavy reliance on inserting her own emotional baggage into all assignments for emphasis. On that day, I will jump with joy (I don’t jump, so what I mean is that I’ll have a celebratory cocktail) that someone has finally found a need for my limited and pretty unmarketable skill set. My elation will then come to an abrupt halt when I realize that, no, in fact, Cosmo will not be hiring me, as I have a long and well-documented history of taking low jabs at them on the Internet for no apparent reason except that I’m cruel and unoriginal and maybe in a bind for content. Anyhow, now that I know being a Cosmo editor is no longer in the cards for me, I can give up pretending to understand the pleasures and logistics of underwater sex (does this work for you guys because my personal experiences with it have been less than functioning?) and go back to being my judgmental self. Today’s Cosmo’s Sex Position Of The Day is aptly titled Rock His Boat, and quite literally demands the presence of an actual sea vessel. Does anyone have a spare boat laying around so I can rock it? Other highlights include Surf’s up, which can only be done “when the sea is calm” and the Tawdry Tube, which involves one too many tubes for my liking. Personally, I’m still trying to master the art of tapping my head while rubbing my belly and giving a BJ, so the rest of this is a little bit too reliant on floatation devices for my taste. But maybe I’m just traditional. For additional ranting about Cosmo’s multi-layered sex tips which require more focus than a juggling, masturbating tight rope walker on stilts, go hereIn other news, I really did enjoy this tutorial on how to get Halloween-ready Mermaid Hair.

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Jane Helpern

About Jane Helpern

Writer & Over-sharer. @janeohelp jane@cultistzine.com