Today is about why I love my old fogy. I am possessive of him, and not just because he affords me the rare opportunity to use this joke, “No I haven’t seen the movie This Is 40, but, from what I can tell from living with one, it’s basically about developing an unhealthy obsession with sweatpants and motorcycles,” (which I think is pretty funny). (Ed Note: I do too Jane). I’m fairly certain that once all of you single ladies (Ed Note: Now put your hands up, oh oh oh oh oh) who’ve been idling away time with emotionally unavailable men under 35 (that is my arbitrarily chosen cut-off age) read this article about how older fellas have mastered the art of ignoring your flaws and eating pussy and always making sure the house is stocked with a variety of alcohol and dark chocolate especially around that time of the month (you see my priorities), you will all, in unison, pack up your band t-shirts and the mildewy tooth brush you’ve been discretely stashing at your bartending, bass playing dude’s house, and head for the Silverlake dog park to seduce your very own older timer, who will immediately snatch you up for an hour long cuddle session, accompanied by a meaningful talk about starting over and new beginnings. (Ed Note: I will NEVER give up my band tees, Jane/Mom. I suppose the tooth brush can go though).
So, if you do happen to come across a bald guy with a mountainous greying sea-captain-esque beard and omniscient eyes, determinedly perusing the spirits aisle at your neighborhood Trader Joe’s, he is spoken for. But do not fret, my little silver fox hunter, there are plenty of ruggedly handsome, sad-eyed, divorced-looking (yes this is a look, you’ll learn) American Bulldog owners who walk their dogs at the same time every morning (consistency is a good thing and shelter dogs win big points) for me to introduce you to. Because men with rescue pets are really just one persistent (aka pushy) and sexually adventurous young girlfriend away from being the father of your babies. Here’s why old weathered dudes with crow’s feet and dad vibes are my thing, and will probably make your life exponentially better:
1) LONG HAIR, DON’T CARE. As outlined in the preliminary stages of this article, older men have been eating girls out for years, like, since way before porn normalized anal bleaching and the whole culture of baby-soft vaginas that look like non-organic plucked chickens that have maybe been genetically enhanced. Not to say older gentleman don’t appreciate the finer things like a nicely manicured playground, but, for them, it is a treat, not an expectation. Also, they perform cunnilingus like they are grateful, and don’t do that weird vag slap/tap/pat thing that has never even made one woman feel anything at all close to good. And finally, they know when to quit it, and don’t keep pummeling just to demonstrate their level of fitness. If you want to do that, boys, go to the gym. My vagina does not care how much you can bench press.
2) FOREVER YOUNG. Because you are sometimes more than a decade apart in age, you are, by default, always going to be the hot young thing. Dating an older guy is like giving a blow job to the fountain of youth and getting cummed on, because when you are feeling old, he is way, way older. Gravity is an equal opportunity lover; so in a couple of years (and with your shitty exercise discipline), your ass may not be up here (points to tits) where it once was, but his balls will be on the floor, sweeping the hardwood clean like an old broom. Plus, his diminishing eyesight will prevent him from noticing the stretch marks on your ass AND this whole thing is starting to sound like a professor fantasy I saw in a Lifetime movie, which is a whole other fetish in itself to revisit later.
3) EXPERIENCE. They have life experience. I used to think think this was just one of those infuriating and placating things that parents said, like “Because I’m the adult here,” or “Because mother knows best,” but it turns out that life experience is actually a real thing that you do acquire as you get older. Having a person in your life who has real, tried and tested knowledge, beyond eating disorders and unpaid internships, helps you stay calm and not meltdown or have panic attacks when little things like late car payments or bitchy bosses threaten to derail you. While you may still be a young, Jewish, neurotic control freak, your old man’s soothing voice and the wisdom expressed in his first-hand stories of survival dealing with things you’re absolutely certain will destroy you, are very helpful in maintaining perspective and not developing stress-related acne.
4) DGAF. They don’t care about most things anymore. While I’m sure some guys above 40, like the ones who are married with kids, care about a lot of things, like providing for their wives and kids, we aren’t canon balling into that pool of people, unless they are very separated and moving rapidly toward divorce, or you are a destructive home-wrecker, in which case you deserve all the slut-shaming and heartache. A guy over 40, who is in the process of rebuilding after the first chapter of his life ended with a bust (hopefully not of the police kind), hopefully has a clearer picture of what he is looking for in a life mate, and is less wishy-washy and less willing to tolerate your signature wishy-washy bullshit because there is simply NO MORE TIME TO DILLY DALLY. This subset of men has probably experienced a fair share of failed relationships, broken hearts and slippery exes. As a result, your potential GOM (grumpy old man) is now pretty fed up with trying to be someone he is not, and, more importantly, all freed up to focus on things like making you happy and pursuing his dreams, which happen involve making you happy. In my experience, older men are less likely to waste time worrying about dressing the right way or being in the coolest places, and more likely to be comfortable with who they are and what they want, and therefore less likely to decide on a whim that you don’t fit into that picture. Again, this all benefits you in the long run.
5) WEALTH OF KNOWLEDGE. I feel like older gents just have a lot of knowledge about random things that I don’t know anything about. Like world history, war, cars, oil changes, geography, discographies, cults, how to assemble a bookshelf, Led Zeppelin, Thomas Jefferson, Threes Company, etc. Their minds are sort of like these vast and well preserved archives filled with things unrelated to Clueless or 90210 or calorie counting. Like the walls of a really old, cold, beautifully-architected library that is brimming with faded encyclopedias and collectable first editions with pages that were ripped out by college students who spent many late nights there doing research before everything was available on Google and Wikipedia. Even though I tease about it, I respect that older men still pay attention to the quality of things; that they’ll patiently stalk ebay for months just to find that perfect World War II era watch or bike part, while in that same time period I’ve purchased 17 new sweaters, most of which I’ve already tired of and sold at Wasteland. See, with the older generation it’s not about the latest trend, it’s about the long-term investment and the patina and how things get better and more valuable and more character-rich with age. It’s refreshing in this era of immediacy to know that a man put some thought into it when he picked out a pair of pants and also selected you as his girlfriend.
If this all sounds like I am saying that the only reason to love older men is because they make you feel especially good about yourself, think about some other reasons to love someone. Stumped? Brain fart? That’s what I thought. Ok. But for seriously. Grey hair on a man is sexy. In our culture, it’s a celebrated symbol of wisdom and knowledge and maturity (think Wizards and Dads and Santa Claus and the Dos Equis guy). Here’s some food for thought: why does it make us feel icky and squirmy when we see an older man who is obviously dyeing his hair jet black or wearing a ridiculous hair piece to cover up his baldness? In my humble opinion, it’s because it defies what we like to associate with getting older, especially with men, which is that over time we grow more confident and embrace the process of who we are gradually and gracefully becoming. So, if you happen to nab yourself an elderly mans (EW THAT SOUNDS TOO OLD), one who assists in quieting your anxious mind and makes your heart sing a song he’s never even heard of because he doesn’t listen to top 40 (even though he IS 40), and who makes you want to write poetry about the soulful lines in the corner of his eyes and dream about romantic road trips—I say go for it, but I hope you don’t mind the snoring. (Ed Note: It should be noted that young dudes snore too. Also young women sometimes. I have allergies ok?)