In keeping with the great tradition of looking sideways at self-improvement around January 1st, here is a giant post of New Year’s Resolutions from our friends. Perhaps they will inspire you (but probably not).
(photos mostly stolen from all sorts of places, it’s not like we make any money you could take in a lawsuit anyway so let us live)
HANNI EL KHATIB
To read more.
TAREK WEGNER, NIGHT BEATS
To not shave my neck so I look like a flower and to get two more dreds.
To start a band called Nirvana 2.
JAMES SANDERSON III, COSMONAUTS
I want to shoot more guns.
THOMAS ALVAREZ, AUDACITY
To start a band with Noonan, Yeah Chad, and Cory Thomas Hanson.
To kiss more puppies.
DANNY BENGSTON, PANGEA
To do more cowboy shit in my new cowboy boots.
ERIK JIMINEZ, PANGEA
To stop makin pipes out of cans
WILLIAM KEEGAN, PANGEA
New Year’s Resolutions are stupid.
YEAH CHAD, PANGEA and CHAD & THE MEATBODIES, CULTIST MANTERN
To cut my hair like Riff Raff and to just generally be more like him.
BLAQUE CHRIS, BLUNDERTOWN
Turn up more.
MICKEY SCHIFF, WHITE ARROWS
I want to learn French, of course.
Quit cigarettes. Ignore less phone calls.
Stop masturbating so much and eat better.
Not to worry.
MAX KUEHN, FIDLAR
To stop smoking so much weed.
JONNY BELL, CRYSTAL ANTLERS
To finally get through “Soula Coaster: The R. Kelly Memoir” and to lose 160 lbs.
JENNIFER CLAVIN, BLEACHED
Eat kale every day.
JONAS STEIN, TURBO FRUITS
To stop gambling.
MISH WAY, WHITE LUNG
To run more and to wear all the clothes in my closet.
ISABEL ALMEIDA, HUNTERS
1. Build a cat house
2. Smoke weed in a cemetery
3. Come up with my own daily horoscope
4. Learn how to drive
CAMERON WARD, LOVELY BAD THINGS
To eat everything I kill and to brush my teeth more.
SCOTT MARTIN, BIG BUSINESS
To gain more weight and to become less shy about pooping with the door open.
MATTHEW KOSHAK, STARRED
1) Finally accept that my Stasis-Lock Blue/White Magic Card deck has been deemed illegal and focus on my new Multi-Land Mana Drain Green/Red deck. Time heals all wounds.
2) Stop sending harassing emails to Rob Liefeld criticizing his terrible but somehow endearing take on human anatomy. Come to terms with the fact that Image comics will never be what it once was fifteen years ago.
3) Less MySpace more Walking Dead.
4) Figure out a way to stop Armisen from making anymore “Portlandias”. The concept is exhausted; we get it. Portland is kooky. Quit while you’re ahead guys. It’s becoming embarrassing watching them scrape for material. Three seasons was enough.
5) Stop stealing Critereon Collection movies. Figure out a way to make money to pay for them (eg attain employment).
6) Finally learn and memorize the difference between “IE” and ‘EG”. It’s time.
JANE HELPERN, CULTIST
More sex, more writing, more nature, more self-forgiveness, more inner peace, more cooking, more adventures, less jealously, less judgment.
YASI SALEK, CULTIST
To visit the world outside of my own head more often. But not that often.