Hey LA, I just dropped my man at the airport, which means a weekend of wild, sloppy shenanigans has officially begun. JK. Probably nothing even a little bit wild is going to happen because I’m a fucking J. Crew catalog, but things are definitely going to get sloppy. Real sloppy. That’s right, my poor, traumatized dogs can expect to witness serious solo drinking followed by masturbation marathons followed by lots of lengthy conversations with myself about how disgusting I am and how I should probably get some friends. While my rock star fiance is off doing abrasive arm motions in a mosh pit somewhere on the East coast reliving his glory days as a straightedge icon, I’ll be at home vacationing from sanity and politeness and pants. Why am I such a loser, you ask? Well, because, when you co-habitate with someone, you are expected to do certain things like shave (eventually) and close the door when you go #2 and maybe get dressed for meals in a nice clean outfit with something sexy underneath it. So, what better way to celebrate my weekend of independence than by engaging in the following behaviors and erasing all evidence before he returns home in a few days? Ladies, do you feel me? Here’s what’s on my agenda.

    1. Consume multiple and various dips, sauces and condiments in lieu of meals, using my fingers in lieu of utensils and my stomach in lieu of cup holders.
    2. Get drunk alone on couch while saying aloud to self “does this make you a giant loser? yes it does. did you leave the house? no, loser. you’re at home all alone. drunk. does this make you an alcoholic? who cares, I’m going to bed…” (stumbles to bed)
    3. Masturbate on couch with a package of rice crackers on my stomach. Remain in said position for 2-3 hours without moving, except maybe to pee. Repeat.
    4. Make plans with people whom I haven’t seen in three years.
    5. Cancel plans on people whom I haven’t seen in three years.
    6. Force my dogs to wear funny sunglasses and hats and take photos with my iphone to send to boyfriend while he’s out doing cool things. Chase animals around the house and use force to keep them on the couch when they try to get up and go into the other room.
    7. Think about going to Yoga all day long, tell many people that I am going to Yoga, and then not go to Yoga.
    8. Post “abstract” selfies on instragram
    9. Delete “abstract” selfies on instragram. Feel embarrassed by own vanity.
    10. Take a surf lesson to show how athletic, fit, motivated and nature-loving I can be without him. No really, I’m doing this. I already put down my deposit. I am one with the sea. Hang ten. (*Update: surf instructor cancelled due to “huge swells,” totally not me bailing)
    11. Tell everyone one I know that I’m off the hook for the weekend, while begging my boyfriend to hurry and get home because I’m lost and lonely without him.
Jane Helpern

About Jane Helpern

Writer & Over-sharer. @janeohelp jane@cultistzine.com