I have decided that I’m going to marry Rick Ross. I totes know what your shallow ass is thinking, but it’s not coz of his money. Or his good looks (obvs). It’s just his Rick Ross-ness that is so fucking hot. He has this je-ne-sais-quoi that I can’t quite put my finger on (Ed Note: je ne said what now?). If I could I would fuck the shit out of his swagger and even let it sleep over and spoon me afterward. That’s how hot it is. And his super sexy buttery voice totally takes me away to a magical land where I can forget that he has (heavily tattooed) man boobs and that he used to be a prison guard snitch bitch. Oh and the fact that he owns an iced out pendant of himself AND an iced out pendant of himself wearing an iced out pendant of himself is TRULY the greatest thing I have heard of since the Doritos/Taco bell collaboration.
In preparation for my upcoming nuptials I have been doing two things:
1) Listening to a playlist that consists entirely of mah boo’s “So Sophisticated”, Beyonce’s “Upgrade U” and Biggie’s “Me & My Bitch”.
2) Googling the shit out of other rapper’s wives.
Ummmmm bros. I highly recommend activity number 2. Those bitches be BUSTED! Ladies. You know that you can afford Balmain now so you don’t have to wear Affliction or ABS ever the fuck again, right? I guess not.
Whatever man. I’m gonna be the illest-dressed rapper wife that ever existed. To prove it, here is my perfect outfit for one day in the life of Mrs. Alice Ross. To wear to the grocery store (duh jigga). Please note that missing from this collage is the iced out pendant of me eating a Taco Bell Doritos Taco (Supreme. Obvs).
1. Meadham Kirchhoff fur coat, $6,875 Available at Net-A-Porter
2. Yankees jersey (worn as a dress), $80 Available at Dicks
3. Clara Studio Vintage front chest plate, $1,250 Available at Amacord Vintage
4. La Perla bra, $245 Available at Net-A-Porter
5. Hermés cuff, $610 Available at Hermés
6. Chanel Diamond Forever Classic bag, $261,000 Available at Chanel Stores
7. Cartier Panthere de Cartier ring, $56,800 Available at Cartier
8. Rolex Deep Sea watch, $12,750 Available at Rolex Stores
9. Tom Ford navigator sunglasses, $430 Available at Saks
10. Dominic Jones ring, $582 Available at The Corner
11. Pierre Hardy cuff, $280 Available at The Webster
12. Rick Owens boots, $2350 Available at Ssense
My grand total? $343,252 (BEFORE MOTHERFUCKING TAXES SON). Boom. Baller Chic.
But I am of course missing the most important piece of the puzzle, the engagement ring. What is this, amateur hour? Of course I already picked that shit out. It’s obvs the same ring as Beyonce.
1. Most Baller Ring In The World, $5,000,000 Available at Lorraine Schwartz