(Ed Note: Alice wrote this last night, on the last day of the Olympics, because she’s not, how do you say, a planner).

Is it weird that I kind of want to fuck a bunch of the Olympian dudes? Yes? No? I mean have you seen Tom Daley? I kind of want to lick his face then take him to get ice-cream (I just made myself uncomfortable so you’re not alone). You know all the Olympians totes get down with each other, because they’re basically at a fancy sleep away camp with way higher stakes and less arts and crafts and a ton of tension that they need to release. And WAY less body fat percentages. What happens in the village stays in the village….

With that said, there is one Olympics dude that I really don’t wanna fuck: Ryan Locthe. I so don’t understand why everyone is jocking him right now. Sweet grille, dickhole. You do realize you’re white and primarily wear a Speedo most of the time, right? I mean I get the whole “won 5 gold medals” thing, but he just seems like a cocky asshole that will just stare at himself in the mirror and flex while fucking you really badly. Missionary only. While grunting “you like it when I fuck you” repeatedly. Then spoon you while snoring super loud. PFFFFTTTTT no fucking thank you. Oh I would also never bone Michael Phelps cause he looks slightly retarded.

So I really need to get in on this hot 6-pack-dude action. My plan? Simple. Disguise myself as one of the athletes and infiltrate the village DUH. The Olympian sluts are always parading around in cute little sporty outfits, so I’m assuming that I should do the same in order to seduce the bros, right? Here’s my shopping list for my London sexcapade:

1. T by Alexander Wang sports bra $31 – Available at Net-A-Porter

2. Adidas by Jeremy Scott sweatshirt $priceless – Available nowhere (that shit is GONE)

3. Keith Haring rubber $6 – Available at Sexcuisemo

4. Jil Sander Navy mesh bag $325 – Available at Yoox

5. Supreme Hat $ihavenoidea – Available at Supreme stores

6. 100 dollar bill towel – Available at Ebay

7. Adidas by Jeremy Scott sweatpants $160 – Available at Adidas

8. Rick Owens sneakers $1425 – Available at Ssense

9. Givenchy tee $665 – Available at Ssense

10. Kiki De Monparnasse handcuffs – Available at Kiki De Monparnasse

11. Jeremy Scott for Linda Farrow sunglasses $348 – Available at Luisa Via Roma

12. Chanel tennis racket $992 – Available at Ebay

13. Adidas by Opening Ceremony bikeshorts $130 – Available at Opening Ceremony

Dude. I just found out the Olympics are over already. I totally snoozed and I totally lost. Oh well, at least I now look like the cool version of Sporty Spice.