You know what? I hate summer. I hate it. Go ahead and judge me all you want, I don’t give a shit. Have you ever been to New York in the summer? It’s 95 fucking degrees with a million percent humidity and the entire city smells like sweaty balls and feet. Summer sucks.

I also hate pretty much anything that is associated with summer. I fucking hate the beach (sand, seagulls, seaweed, crabs, douchebags), I hate sweating, I hate dudes that cruise around with no shirt on, I hate long boards, I hate mosquitoes, I hate air conditioning bills, I hate t-shirt tans, and I hate the shit out of flip-flops (and being forced to look at ugly feet). And do you know what I hate the most? Not being able to wear my favorite thing in the entire world, the one thing that I like more than I like most human beings, my perfectly worn-in molded-to-my-body black leather jacket.

You know what summer? I’m fucking boycotting you. I don’t give a shit how hot it is, I will NOT wear anything light or gauzy or printed or pretty or whatever the fuck they sell at Anthropologie. I’m going to dress all in black because I’m in mourning. For the death of being able to layer. So here’s my plan to flip off summer without dying of heat exhaustion:

 1. Unif Tee $60, Available at Unif

2. Leather Chucks $65, Available at Converse 

3. Eddie Borgo Bracelet $510, Available at Feathers 

4. Topshop Skirt $76, Available at Topshop

5. Jean Paul Gaultier Vintage Choker $362, Available at House of Liza

6. Lindsey Thornburg Dress $620, Available at Bonadrag

7. Beer Helmet $6, Available at Amazon

8. Unif Hellraiser Flats $175, Available at Unif

9. YSL Ring $290, Available at Ssense

10. Acne Sorraia Purse $818, Available at Oak

11. Alexander McQueen Skull Umbrella $439, Available at Farfetch

12. Theyskens’ Theory Dress $395, Available at Barneys

13. Siwy Leather Skinnies $372, Available at Shopbop

14. Henry Holland for Le Spec Sunglasses $89, Available at Oak

 

TAKE THAT SUMMER, KAPOW!!! (Ed Note: You just said “kapow”)

Maybe I’m being a little unfair (I blame the epic hangover for making me extra cunty). There are a few things that are okay about summer I guess. I’m really down with roof-top parties in the Lower East Side. And I guess I’m cool with barbecues in Brooklyn. And drinking beer in a park is awesome sometimes. But that’s IT. Oh wait, I basically just said that I love alcohol. So guess what? FUCK YOU SUMMER.