(Photos by Rick Rodney)

The cotton candy was freely flowing and triton-wielding topless mermen came out in droves. Need I say more? What am I even talking about? Well, last night “212″ singer and rapstress (trademark Yasi) Azealia Banks headlined and hosted the Mermaid Ball at the Music Box, and I went.  Ms. Banks and her marine-themed posse painted Hollywood a flamboyant shade of sea foam green as committed party-goers showed up in full drag, masquerading as a mix of glitter fish and New York club kids, with dreams of impressing the oceanic empress herself, and for the chance to win $1000 (real ones not sea dollars). The whole thing was cray-sea. See what I did there? That’s why I’m a “writer.”

 

But seriously, I was by far the lamest person in attendance, and definitely the only loser in plain clothes (wearing Crocs and nervously holding her boyfriend’s hand). (Ed Note: CROCS that’s all bye). Highlights of the night included fab performances by Cultist favorites Rye Rye and Charli XCX and a real life mermaid sighting. Just kidding on that last bit. But I did see a boy wearing aqua tones and feathers sporting a fish-bowl hat containing live swimming specimens as well as a woman who had to be physically carried on and off of the stage (by male model AJ English, which was weird enough in itself) because she was immobilized by her life size, made-to-scale (pun intended) apricot-hued mermaid tail. Needless to say, voluntarily handicapped mermaid girl was the winner of the costume ball. And rightfully so.

If you are as out of the loop as I was, the cause for all this aquatic madness was Banks’ newly released mix tape, aptly named “Fantasea.” And true to form, she herself was nothing short of a fantasy come to life. (Ed Note: The fantasy of mer-verts ’round the globe. See what I did there Jane?) Dressed in a shimmering bubblegum mermaid suit and rocking magenta ombre hair, Azealia was definitely channeling some Star Trek: Lost in the Great Barrier Reef (yes, I know this is not a real thing). Her much anticipated performance (I almost got trampled by dolphin Goths) did not disappoint. She took the stage, flanked by presumably devoid-of-bones dancers, and literally emasculated everyone in the audience with her quick tongue and general bad-assness (especially the above-mentioned triton-wielding mermen). It was an awesome time. Put simply, thank god you can’t catch STDs through having unprotected glitter, because I’d have all of them. So that’s my tale: I went to the Mermaid Ball, and I barely survived it. And now I want to be abducted by an Azealian.

More photos from the ball: