Shoes rule. Bank accounts suck.

I feel like they are eternally at war with one another. Just like He-Man and Skeletor (which is my code for J-Lo and Marc Anthony). Why does there have to be so much rad shit in the world when I spend all my money on stupid ass Jameson at stupid ass places like Le Bain? Whyeeeeeeeeeee?

So listen. Here’s all the shit that I need. If someone wants to buy any of the below for me I will not only buy you a drink at Le Bain, I MIGHT give you a lap dance on the roof. Maybe. Depends on how drunk I am.

 

Ann Demeulemeester $1350, Available at Max Denver

When everyone else in the world are buying summer dresses and tanning and being all weird and blonde and shit, I’m straight up murdering out my wardrobe and dying my hair black. I need these to be my summer boots.

 

 

 

Rick Owens $1770, Available at Forward by Elise

I feel like these shoes ARE my soul – black, weird and RAD.

 

 

 

Versace $1510, Available at Farfetch.com

So I’m mega obsessed with Tyga’s future baby mama Blac Chyna right now (Google her. You’re welcome), and since acquiring said obsession I have an all-of-a-sudden overwhelming urge to wear purple animal print one piece leotards with some type of lattice detail and maybe some studs. These would be the accompanying shoes. Duhh.

 

 

Azzedine Alaia $1562, Available at Farfetch.com

Mr Alaia may look kinda like a hobbit, but hot damn does that motherfucker have the uncanny ability to create ONLY shit that I would actually wear. Well if I was like a fancy lady, and not a complete derelict. Except for these Spring jams – I feel like I could totes wear them to do shots of Jameson in a weird basement in Chinatown where I would get in a fist fight with a dude and then end up at a strip club in Bushwick with 4 complete strangers at like 3:00am. Where I would lose them.

 

 

Chloe $1295, Available at Net-A-Porter

I know that every cunt blogger and their uncle owns these. DGAF. They’re perfect in every way. Kind of like Ryan Gosling. And the Tanlines song All Of Me. And any movie Mandy Moore has ever starred in.