Dear TLC’s Virgin Diary Virgins,
Hope this letter finds you well, although most probably, alone. Listen, none of us are here to judge you. Certainly not to your, “I Met My Friends on Second Life” faces. The fact that you choose to withhold from sex until an age where it’s gotten too weird to have sex to begin with is none of anybody’s business. Except, I guess, anybody who watches basic cable’s business. Which brings me to my point: How sacred are you really, virgins? Now, I get that you’re trying to hold on tight to your pee holes (I have no idea how sex works) until the right anyone comes along and leads you into the long and disappointing path we sex-having adults call “relationships”. I understand you want to spread that misguided message of purity to the world – But here’s the thing: Putting your life on display like that is slutty. Your dignity and “beliefs” are being Cancun bound, shot drinking, Ed Hardy bikini wearing whores. You are allowing yourself to be the Kardashians of the pale and unattended. So, keep it indoor, virgins. If you believe sex before marriage is shameful, then act accordingly. Hide in that shame. Your show is called “The Virgin DIARIES”. Last I checked “Diaries” were meant to be private and only read by you and, if you’re anything like me, an overbearing mother that doesn’t understand boundaries.
Don’t allow yourselves be fodder for my two very hilarious tweets about your morals/haircut choices. Forgo becoming freaky cogs in the pathetic machine that is TLC, home to ladies who don’t know they’re pregnant & ladies who don’t know how to NOT get pregnant. You virgins are better than that (namely because you can’t get pregnant). Cherish those untarnished crotches in the privacy of your “Precious Moment” figurine filled dens. Not in front of the cameras. For you will soon find that the most precious virtue of all is discretion. Sadly, you’ll only understand this after you bone a few times.